


Left behind

by filhadoboto



Series: My TROS fix-it therapy [3]
Category: Reylo - Fandom, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Anti Jedi, Ben Solo is Dead, Bitterness, Bittersweet Ending, Bittersweet HEA, Dark Thoughts, Depression, F/M, Fix-It, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Force Ghost Ben Solo, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt, Loneliness, Longing, Major character death - Freeform, Nightmares, One Shot, POV First Person, POV Rey (Star Wars), Post TROS, Rage, Regret, Rey & Rose Tico Friendship, Rey Palpatine, Reylo - Freeform, Sadness, Starving, Suffering, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Idealization, Survivor Guilt, Tros fix-it, angst and sadness, bereaved Rey, death is not the end, dyad finally reunited, hopelessness, tagged Mature for safety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:14:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27949643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/filhadoboto/pseuds/filhadoboto
Summary: Despite her attempts, Rey is unable to cope with Ben's death.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron & Rey, R2-D2 & Rey (Star Wars), Rey & Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: My TROS fix-it therapy [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1654099
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24





	Left behind

**Author's Note:**

> A year has passed and Ben's death still hurts like hell! It hurts like I lost my best friend again. The best way I know to deal with my feelings is to write and that's how this fic was born. I have depression and anxiety and my mind wasn’t in a good place when I started writing this fic months ago. 
> 
> This is not exactly a Fix-it and, although it’s not the usual way, they stay together in the end. 
> 
> Please READ THE TAGS before continuing! I tagged it as “Mature” because I don't think that “Teen and Up” is the right rating.
> 
> While writing I heard repeatedly the music “Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely” by Backstreet Boys, which I think is perfect to accompany or leave you in the mood to read this fic:  
>  _"Show me the meaning of being lonely_  
>  _Is this the feeling I need to walk with?_  
>  _Tell me why I can't be there where you are_  
>  _There's something missing in my heart."_

Ben Solo had brought me back to life, but the price paid was absurdly high.

If I had known what my journey to Exegol would cost me, I would have accepted the hand that Ben had so often offered me and chosen to stand beside him.

If I had known that losing him was an option, I would have done things differently, but now it was too late.

Too late to accept his hand.

Too late to say that all I wanted most was to be with him.

Too late to say how much I loved him.

Too late for regrets.

Completely numb, I somehow managed to get back to the Resistance base after the events on Exegol. The day before, I had left Ajan Kloss determined to defeat the First Order and Palpatine and save the galaxy, and on the way, I had discovered things about myself, my past and my family. I too had almost killed Chewie, felt Leia die, almost killed Ben, killed my grandfather, died and was brought back by Ben and lost the only person who completed me.

I had returned to the Resistance, to the people I had learned to live with during that last year and realized that _I didn’t belong_ there. I realized that I would never belong anywhere without Ben. None of those people, as much as they cared about me or as much as I cared about them, _knew_ me, _understood_ me as Ben Solo knew me and understood me. So deciding to leave had not been as difficult or painful as I had imagined it would be and it was what I had done after telling those closest to me what had happened on my journey and hearing them say that the price _Kylo Ren_ had paid was small compared to the crimes he had committed against the galaxy.

My idea had been to leave on my own, but a few minutes after entering hyperspace, BB-8 had appeared in the Falcon cockpit, beeping happily that he had decided to join me and asking me where we were going. My first impulse had been to return him to his owner as soon as possible, but I had just warned Poe about the current location of his droid and he had become my companion.

It wasn't just because I didn't feel part of the Resistance that I left. I was willing to move on with my life and I had a _purpose_ . Ben had sacrificed himself for me and his family had died trying to save him from the darkness and I decided that I needed to at least try to do something that honored the sacrifices of all of them. Thanks to our bond, I had all of Ben's training under Luke and Snoke and, in addition to having the Jedi texts, I also learned a lot from Leia and decided to found my own training temple, guide and teach others how to use the Force and maintain the _Skywalker legacy_ alive through me.

With that purpose guiding me, my first stop was Tatooine where I thought I could give some kind of closure to the story of Ben and his family. There, in the ruins of Luke's old home, the place where his legend had started, I buried the lightsabers that belonged to Leia and him and said goodbye to both. It had been a pleasant surprise to see the twins' force ghosts side by side, their faces serene and at peace, and I had looked forward to a third figure joining them, but that had not happened. The two disappeared before me and what should have assured me that I was doing the right thing made all my determination turn to dust and the purpose that should have given my life meaning was immediately forgotten, because when I saw _only_ the two of them, the only thing that crossed my mind was that _he_ was not lost.

Not seeing Ben beside them, reunited with his family in the Force, gave me hope, as his absence could only mean that he would _come back_ to me, that he would find his way back and we would be one again. I didn't need to move on alone, as Ben would come back to me and we could move on _together_ like the dyad we were.

So, for a long time, I haunted the ruins of Luke's old home.

For a long time I stayed in that place, _waiting_.

Waiting for Ben's return.

Waiting to feel complete again.

Waiting for my life _to start_.

For days I waited, having only BB-8, Ben's sweater, nightmares and hope for company.

For weeks I had hoped that when I opened my eyes after each meditation session or when I turned around after watching the sunset or when a new day came, Ben would be there, beside me. _Alive_.

For months I waited and believed that the presence of the force ghosts of my old masters was a good omen and that the fact that the Force showed me just the two of them was a sign that Ben would come back to me soon and that I just needed to be strong and wait. I had faith that, just as I had felt his fall to the dark side when I was nothing more than a teenager starving in Jakku and had felt the moment when he had returned to the light, I would also feel the exact moment when he returned, the moment when the Force would return him to me. I knew that by the time I felt whole again, my missing half would have returned to me.

So hours, days and weeks passed and I lost track of how long I had waited. Still, I kept waiting. And I waited and waited and waited for Ben's return until the day when, facing the twin suns rising on the horizon, I saw the truth that was before my eyes the whole time: the absence of his force ghost didn’t mean that there was hope. The absence of his force ghost didn’t mean that he would come back to me if I waited long enough. The real meaning of his absence was that Han, Luke and Leia's sacrifices to get Ben back home had been in vain.

Ben had been saved from the darkness, but he hadn't lived long enough to know what it was like not to have an evil being whispering in his mind and manipulating him. Ben had chosen to abandon the darkness, but the darkness had taken everything from him. When he climbed the walls of the pit where Palpatine had mercilessly thrown him, he had already lost everything: power, his family, the other half of his soul. Ben Solo had returned to the light just to hold in his arms the corpse of the woman he loved and give his life to bring her back and then die in the arms of the woman who loved him after their one and only kiss.

The truth that I had taken so long to see, _to accept_ , was that Ben Solo was dead and would not return.

Ben Solo was dead and there was no one left in his family to mourn his death, to mourn for him or even to remember that he once existed.

Ben Solo was dead and life went on nonetheless, as if his existence was of no importance, had left no significant mark.

Ben Solo was dead and I was the only one who still mourned his loss.

No one but me knew the whole truth about what happened to him, what really made him turn to the dark side, what made him become Kylo Ren and what made him be Ben Solo again.

Apart from me, _the other half of his soul_ , no one else seemed to care about the fact that both light and darkness used us. Because that was another painful truth that had been right before my eyes all the time and that I had refused to see.

Yes, Ben was manipulated and used by the darkness and left to die.

Yes, I was manipulated and used by the light and left to die.

I trusted the light, I trusted the Jedi, I believed their lies and they failed me and abandoned me after I had no use for them anymore. I was used as a _vessel_ by all the Jedi so that they could finally get revenge on the Sith for having obliterated them and their precious Order and I was left behind _broken_ , _useless_ , _dead_ . If it weren't for Ben, for his _unconditional_ and _unselfish_ love for me, I would still be... and then he would be the one who would be feeling empty and incomplete right now, and perhaps he would have embraced the darkness once again.

If I closed my eyes, I could still hear the echo of the ancient Jedi voices in my mind: _‘It is your turn to bring balance to the Force. Rise, Rey, the Force needs you. Every Jedi who ever lived, lives in you now. You are not alone. We stand behind you. Rise, Rey. Rise, Rey. Rise. Rise!’_

And in fact I had risen and killed my own blood, the being who claimed to be my grandfather and my only family, but who, like the Jedi, just wanted to use me as a vessel for the Sith. I had chosen to be the vessel of whom I had believed to be the light, of whom I had believed to represent hope and everything good and just in the galaxy, of whom I had believed to be the _heroes_.

Too late I realized that the Jedi were nothing like what I had thought. In all legends they were the defenders of peace and justice. In all the legends they were strong, just and fearless and fought to save the galaxy from evil and maintain the balance of the Force. What the legends never said was that the Jedi thought that the ends justified the means. The sacrifice of others to defeat their enemies was absolutely acceptable. The important thing for them was _to maintain the balance_ of the Force.

But how could they maintain balance when they denied half of what made them complete? How could they say that they were defending balance if they preached that light should defeat darkness? How could they think they were fighting to maintain balance if one side could not exist without the other? The light needed the darkness and the darkness needed the light. One could not exist without the other and the two complemented each other.

And in my eagerness to deny the darkness in me, to walk the Jedi path, the path that I thought was the right one, the path of my heroes, I had made the wrong choice even though there was another path, _another choice_ . Just as I had known the truth about my family all my life, the right choice had been in front of my eyes since the moment I touched Luke's lightsaber in Takodana. Ben was the other path. Ben was the other choice. _The right choice_. Ben was the one who could still return. Ben was my belonging. Ben was the family that would always come back for me.

But I had made the wrong choice and, amidst the whirlwind of new information, visions, memories and conflicting feelings, I went to Exegol determined to avenge the death of my parents without taking a moment to reflect, without stopping a second to try to understand my feelings, to think about the consequences of my choices or the possibility that it was all just a ruse, and ended up falling into Palpatine's trap. The old Lord Sith who had manipulated the entire galaxy for decades hadn’t taken much time to be able to manipulate me and convince me that my true purpose, the reason I was born was to be the vessel for all the Sith. And then, in the decisive instant, when I was about to seal my fate, I had felt _him_.

Not the whirlwind of anger, conflict, hatred and darkness that was Kylo Ren.

But the calm, the purpose, the love and the light that was Ben Solo.

Without thinking about what might happen to him, regardless of how much it would cost him, he ignored everything I had done to him and went to Exegol for me. Ben had fought to save me from Palpatine's influence, to prevent me from becoming the vessel for all Sith, but he could not save me from myself, from my choice to be the vessel for all Jedi.

In the end, I hadn't even managed to get revenge on Palpatine for the murder of my parents, which was why I had done everything to get to Exegol. No. In the end it was the Jedi who got their revenge and, with that, also killed Palpatine's heiress. Even though I did everything to follow their path, they didn’t worry about what would happen to me, I was _nothing_ but a _powerful_ , yet _disposable_ vessel for them.

And in the end, when my body collapsed and nothingness enveloped me, I was alone.

Then Ben had entered the scene once more.

In the end it wasn't a Jedi or a Sith who saved me.

In the end, only Ben cared about me.

I could still remember the confusion I felt at seeing his face and the relief that followed when I realized that, somehow, he had brought me back and I was alive, we were _both alive_. Alive and free so that we could be together, so that we could finally accept each other's hands! I would never be able to forget the adoration in his eyes or how much his smile left me speechless and how I thought he was the most beautiful being I had ever seen in my life.

So much time had passed since that day, but I could still feel the warmth of his body against mine and the firmness of his arms around my body, I could still feel the pressure of his lips against mine, as if our mouths never had separated. I could still feel his hand in mine, seconds before his body disappeared right before my eyes. I could still feel the pain I felt at that moment when the other piece of my soul had been ruthlessly taken from me, leaving me incomplete, with a large open wound draining every drop of my will to live.

I could spend the rest of my days waiting in Tatooine or anywhere else in the galaxy, but that wouldn't change the fact that Ben would never come home, to his family, _to me_ , because he was dead.

_Dead_.

And this new understanding made me feel as if I had lost him again and reminded me of the future that I had lost, of how incomplete I was without him. I had foolishly hoped that I would find some kind of comfort in Tatooine, but I found only misery and hopelessness and being in that place made me feel like I was back in Jakku, abandoned, alone and without a family. As fast as I could, I entered the Falcon and left Tatooine behind, hoping never to set foot in that place again.

Feeling _more lonely_ than I had ever felt and without realizing exactly what I was doing, I ended up in Jakku. It was only when I landed the Falcon in front of my old AT-AT half-buried in the sand that I realized what I was doing, where my unconscious had guided me. That place had been my shelter for years and years and I needed something that was familiar, something that made me feel again _at home_ and that could help me fill the void that consumed me, but when I saw the walls full of marks, the marks that were the testimony of my waiting and the proof that my family had abandoned me to my own luck, I realized that going there had been another mistake.

That place had been my _prison_ , and if I hadn't left Jakku, it would have been my _tomb_ , too.

Desperate, I screamed until my throat hurt and then sat down huddled in a corner. Lost, incomplete, without a home, without a family and not knowing what to do with my own life, I cried. For hours my tears dampened the dry sands of the Jakku desert as I tried to find meaning for everything that had happened to me. When a new day dawned, I left my old AT-AT for the last time. Using the Force, I buried my old house in the sand as deep as I could reach, also wishing to leave buried there everything I had lived in Jakku.

My numb thoughts then took me to Takodana, the place where I first met him and our paths crossed. As I stared at the ruins of Maz's castle, I remembered the visions that Luke's lightsaber had shown me and how Maz had told me that my parents would not return, but there was someone who still could. At the time I had believed that she was referring to the old Jedi, but now I understood that she was referring to his fallen apprentice. Like Leia, Maz knew there was still light in Ben Solo, there was still time to save him from the darkness. Perhaps if I had understood this earlier, I would have made different choices and, perhaps, managed to avoid his death.

I wandered through the forest alone until I found the place where Kylo Ren had paralyzed and captured a frightened and confused girl from Jakku who refused to take any part in that war and ended up lying on the ground in a fetal position and crying until my tears dried up. It was dark and was falling a pouring rain when BB-8 found me and convinced me to go back to Falcon instead of just dying of sadness and hypothermia.

After waking up from an extremely vivid nightmare, where I was forced to repeatedly watch Palpatine kill Ben, then bring him back to life and kill him again in an even more cruel way and I could never save him, I decided to go to Exegol. The TIE fighter that Ben had used to get there was the first thing I saw and it was enough to make me regret going to that place. I wiped away the tears and stubbornly walked until I was before the Sith throne. I sat in the place where Ben's body had disappeared and closed my eyes, focusing on the Force around me and inside me. For hours I meditated and meditated. For hours I waited and waited. I waited for a glimpse, a whisper, a disturbance in the Force, _anything_ to indicate that there was still any trace of Ben's presence in that place.

But there was nothing.

Nothing but a broken, lonely, desperate girl.

After that, I wandered aimlessly through the galaxy, looking for a _new purpose_ , a reason that would help me move on, something that would help me fill the void left by Ben. Visiting new planets and discovering new things had been something I had longed for on my lonely nights in Jakku, but now it felt like a nonsense. Meditation was definitely not of much help, although it often made me lose track of time as I focused all my senses on the Force around me and whispered, in fact, begged _'be with me'_ over and over again. But every time it was in vain and as much as I begged Ben to be with me, my pleas were not heeded, making me feel even more frustrated than when I tried to commune with the ancient Jedi.

It took a while, but it was precisely because of my frustrated meditations that I found a new purpose in remembering what Luke had told me, in what now seemed to be another life, in the library on Ahch-To: _'Why did you bother to come here and dig up me and these old, tired legends?'_ He had asked me _'Let the legends die, let the Jedi die, let all this be forgotten once and for all all, Rey from Nowhere. Go away and find your own_ _path_ _.’_

Unfortunately, I had to lose everything to understand that the old Jedi was right. My stubbornness, my strong capacity for denial and my willingness to help the Resistance blinded me to the fact that the Jedi of the legends I had heard my entire life were quite different from the real Jedi. Just as the Sith had died with Palpatine, the Jedi Order must die with Luke and, in order for them to be _forgotten_ , everything related to the Order must be _destroyed_. For a while that purpose kept my hands and mind busy and, when I finished, I felt I had done the galaxy and all the force users who came after me a great favor.

Despite this small satisfaction, each new day I woke up with only silence and emptiness on the other side of the bond made Ben's absence more difficult to bear. Closing my eyes and not feeling his vibrant presence in my mind was the worst part of it. I had become accustomed to surrounding myself with his presence whenever I felt alone, I had become accustomed to using his presence as a blanket when I went to sleep, and now I only slept when tiredness was too great to stay awake. Laying down to sleep and remembering that he wasn't there on the other side because of me was the constant cause of my sleepless nights and nightmares.

The thought that everything that had happened, from Han, Luke and Leia's death to Ben's own, was my fault, tormented me all the time and I couldn't deny its logic. After all, if I hadn't helped BB-8, Finn wouldn't have found me, I wouldn't have stolen and piloted the Falcon, Han wouldn't have found us and taken us to Takodana. Me and Ben wouldn't have met, I wouldn't have met Leia, I wouldn't have gone to see Luke and the four of them could be alive now. It was enough to get me out of history and the life of an entire family would have been spared. If I hadn't been born or if I hadn't left Jakku, so much pain and suffering and the deaths of people I loved would have been avoided. At some point, my bond with Ben would have guided us to one another and I would like to think that in that alternative future I would accept his hand without hesitation.

I knew that Ben had sacrificed himself so that I could live and do the best I could to help and protect everyone in the galaxy, even if I had to do it without him, and that he would be sad and disappointed if he could see me in my pitiful state. Sometimes I told myself that I should be able to continue, to move on, to make sense of his sacrifice, after all, hadn't my time in Jakku taught me to fix broken things, to wait and to be patient?

Yes, I knew how to fix broken things, but how could I fix my soul if the other half died? How could I fill the void inside me if Ben was out of my reach? And yes, I knew what it was like to be lonely. I knew what it was like to live alone and have to spend each day just with myself as a company, relying only on myself. But after meeting and falling in love with Ben and discovering the bond that united us, knowing that we shared the same soul, I was unable to live with my loneliness. Before I didn't know what it tasted like, what it was like to love and have that love matched and that love could change me so deeply and permanently. Before, back in Jakku, my loneliness seemed to have a _purpose_ , because I had faith that one day my family would come back for me, I had faith that, if I persisted, all that loneliness would have been worth it. But now, loneliness was just loneliness, and knowing how to fix broken things and wait and be patient wouldn't do any good, it wouldn't get me anywhere.

There was no longer any hope of having my family back, as they had abandoned me like I was garbage, even though their intention was to hide me from Palpatine, and they were dead.

There was no hope of finding my belonging, as I had already found it and lost it. I had already found the other half of my soul and it was taken from me. I had found love, but I hadn’t had the chance to cultivate it, to make it grow and bear fruit.

All I ever wanted was to have a family and, at the end of my journey, all I had managed to do was end up alone on a desert planet being watched by a pair of force ghosts, without half my soul and with the overwhelming feeling that not only the Jedi but the Force itself had failed me and lied to me. When Ben and I touched on Ahch-To, the Force had shown Ben my past and had shown me a future with him and I had taken that future for granted when he showed up on Exegol to fight by my side, but in the end I never even had a chance to tell him how much I loved him. The future that the Force had shown me had been a lie, the _cruelest_ of lies, a lie that had given me hope and that in the end had cost me everything.

Perhaps that was why, most of the time, I felt numb, practically unable to feel things around me. All I wanted most was to be with Ben and have a future, whatever it was, with him. Wherever he was, my place was beside him and the idea that I would have to endure the cold emptiness of loneliness for the rest of my life made me want to put an end to it every day. I could starve myself. Maybe I could fly the Falcon into an asteroid field and let them destroy the ship and me… or put the wrong coordinates on the Falcon’s navicomputer and run into a star or moon or planet… or cause a poisonous gas leak and go to sleep… or maybe being devoured by one of the many ferocious creatures I encountered... or, even easier, stabbing my broken heart with the golden blade of my lightsaber... quick and practical... and then I would be with him again.

It was when I went from _‘just considering the idea of ending everything’_ to _‘planning a quick way to end my misery’_ that I received a transmission from Finn asking me to get back to the Resistance base as soon as possible. Since my departure and throughout my time away from the Resistance, I rarely spoke to any of them and it was BB-8 who usually broke news of me and beeped news about them that I really tried to hear in the beginning, but ended up simply ignoring. The way Poe and Finn had belittled Ben's sacrifice had severely shaken my friendship for them and I didn't want to hear about them while I mourned for Ben.

Going back to Ajan Klos was like reliving the day I lost everything. It was impossible not to remember Ben disappearing before my eyes and then, after gathering enough strength to move and leave the Sith temple, having to face the TIE fighter who had taken him there and that, like him, would _never_ leave. However, while that day I had felt vaguely alone when I saw my friends alive and embraced them, this time, the feeling of being hopelessly empty and broken made it difficult to breathe and the feeling of loneliness and abandonment consumed me, and not even seeing friendly faces diminished the strength of that feeling. And just like that day, I swallowed my tears and hid my pain inside me as best I could and went to meet my friends.

Rose was the first one I met and she wrapped her arms around me before we said anything. Her touch reminded me that I had totally forgotten what it felt like to feel the touch and warmth of another body and made me wish that the arms holding me were Ben's.

“Rey, how nice to see you! We miss you so much.” she said looking me in the eye.

I gave her the best smile I could and said "Me too."

"You went so long without contacting us or giving us news."

“I'm sorry, Rose. Sometimes I lose track of time.”

Upon hearing that, her smile faded and disappeared. She studied me for a few seconds and the genuine pity in her eyes made me want to go back to the Falcon and leave again. I had forced myself to take a shower before I arrived and only then did I realize how much weight I had lost and how pale and dry my skin was and my eyes lifeless. Now I was just the shadow of the girl I used to be.

She took my hands and I looked away "Things haven't gotten any better, have they?" she asked and I shook my head slowly "Maybe staying with us will help you get a little distracted, Rey."

"Maybe." I said, even though I knew that nothing in the galaxy would be able to distract me from my pain.

She hugged me tightly again, like she wanted to make me feel whole and safe, and said, "I know there's no comparison, but I know what it's like to lose someone we love, someone we've always been connected with." she looked me in the eye and I could see the echo of my pain in her eyes "The pain never goes away, we just get used to it."

I took a deep breath to contain the tears that threatened to fall. Rose was the only person I had opened up to about my true story with Ben. Although I trusted Finn, I knew that he would never understand the deep bond that Ben and I shared or how much I loved him and how devastated his loss had left me.

Not that I had planned to tell Rose anything. While the survivors of the battle of Exegol returned and were received and the celebration of victory only got bigger and louder, I found myself wandering into the forest, to the place where I used to meditate with the only thing Ben had left against my chest. And it was there that Rose found me a few minutes later bathed in my tears and trying to breathe despite the immense pain I felt in my heart. I only realized that I was no longer alone when her arms wrapped around my body and she held me tight and let me cry.

At some point I had started to speak, but I only realized it when I got to the part of the story where I went to the Supremacy with the sole intention of saving him from Snoke's hands. Rose didn’t interrupt me and I, after the dam had broken, couldn’t stop me from talking and confessing that I loved the man who had commanded the enemy side was easier than I thought it would be.

I had stopped talking when I told her that his body had disappeared before me after he sacrificed his life so that I could live again and that all that was left of him was the sweater in my hands. I had expected Rose to release me and accuse me of treason, but she just held me even tighter, comforted me even went so far as to say that she would have liked to meet Ben Solo and that perhaps the two of them would even have been friends. Rose had understood me. She knew that the only way to win the war was saving what we loved.

"Reeeey!" Finn shouted before I could say anything to Rose and I turned towards him, his face lit up with a smile "I'm glad you came!" he said as he wrapped me in his arms.

"Of course I came." I forced myself to say and give him a smile "You said you needed me."

"I missed you so much!"

"I know, but I needed time alone, Finn."

"I know and everyone understood that you needed some time after what happened on Exegol," he said cheerfully as we walked to the command room "but the Resistance is not the same without our Jedi."

The mention of the title made me want to throw up.

_Jedi_.

I wasn’t and would never be a Jedi, but there was a time when I thought I could become one. After Luke's death I had tried to walk the Jedi path and _just_ follow the path of light, even though the darkness was just _as strong_ inside me. I had tried to follow in the footsteps of the Jedi, but back in Tatooine I realized that I would never be able to walk the Jedi path. I would never forget Ben. I would never give up on him, or my feelings for him or the few precious memories I had of him. I loved him more than myself and that would never allow me to be a Jedi.

In fact, maintaining a balance between light and dark within me was increasingly difficult. I often found myself blaming not only myself, but my friends and even the hole galaxy for him being dead and I had already come to the conclusion that I would be able to destroy the entire galaxy if it brought Ben back to me.

No, I was definitely not a Jedi. Luke Skywalker was, in fact, _the last Jedi_ and I didn't want to have anything to do with the rotten and old order. And to make sure that never another force user would ever again have their lives destroyed by the limited and distorted vision that the Jedi had of the Force and that they would become nothing more than unbelievable legends and tales to entertain children, I had destroyed all the Jedi texts I had stolen on Ahch-To, just as I had gone to the planet and destroyed the temple and everything else related to the Jedi that I had managed to find across the galaxy.

No, I wasn’t a Jedi, but I decided that, for my friends, for the success of what Leia had fought for all her life and sacrificed so much to keep alive, I could let everyone think of me as one.

While we waited for Poe to arrive, Finn started to inform me about how he finally learned to fly and, from a distance, I could hear when BB-8 and Poe met again. The general gave the droid a hard time because he simply decided to join me without his permission and without warning him and then started talking about how he missed him and was happy that the droid had kept me company.

Poe entered the command room with a radiant smile and followed closely by BB-8.

"Hi, Rey." he said in an excited tone and giving me a quick hug "I'm glad our Jedi is back."

"Poe, I'm sorry." I said in an uncomfortable tone and trying not to let them realize how much being called a Jedi disgusted me "But I'm not ready to fight yet." _And I don't even know if I'll ever be_ , I thought about adding, but I stopped myself.

“Oh! Rey, no! That's not why we asked you to come back.” Poe was quick to say.

"So, why am I here?" I asked in a sharper than curious tone.

Poe looked at Finn and Rose and looked at me again with a wide smile "We won, Rey. The war is over." he said, I frowned and he continued, “In the past year and a half we have been able to track and destroy or capture what was left of the First Order. The war is finally over and the galaxy is free to start over!”

_One and a half year?_ It had been a year and a half and it was as if I had just returned from Exegol.

Poe continued with his account, letting me know that the remnants of the First Order had been located and destroyed and that a new government would soon help the galaxy to recover. Knowing that should have made me feel some kind of joy or satisfaction, but it didn't.

"This... this is wonderful news." I managed to say. Fortunately their excess of enthusiasm masked the lack of mine.

"We are having a celebration today and we wish you were here with us." said Finn, his eyes shining with anticipation for my answer.

I nodded and forced myself to give him a smile that seemed sincere.

"That's why we wanted you here, Rey. This victory belongs to all of us." said Poe and held my hands in his "If it weren't for what you did on Exegol, I know we wouldn't be the ones celebrating now."

My body tensed and I took my hands off his and took a step back.

Yes, I had fought, but I had not managed to defeat Palpatine alone. Technically, I was just a tool, a vessel that day. It was the Jedi who defeated him and then left me to die. Unfortunately, telling about it would not show people how the Jedi were not the heroes that everyone thought and worshiped. People would see everything that happened to me as a great honor, as if the fact that I was possessed and used by their spirits should make me feel _honored_ instead of _used_.

“I wasn't the only one who fought that day, Poe. I told the story to you all.”

"I know, I know. Kylo Ren helped you defeat Palpatine.” he said in a dismissive tone and that made me want to slap him in the face or do something much worse, like breaking his neck with a snap of my fingers.

"His name is Ben Solo." I said almost in a snarl.

“Ben Solo, Kylo Ren, _whatever_. His name doesn't change who he was or everything he did.” countered Poe “I'm sorry if I can't feel gratitude for the monster that tortured me and that helped the First Order to destroy the lives of everyone in the galaxy, just like his grandfather did.”

"Poe is right, Rey." said Finn in a serious tone "He may have fought alongside you on Exegol, but a single good deed does not make him a hero."

I had been strong enough just to tell them about how Ben Solo had fought beside me and that he had given his life to save me. I needed his sacrifice to be known and recognized and celebrated and never to be forgotten. However, I had hidden everything I had discovered about my kinship with Palpatine. Despite knowing that Finn and Rose loved me and that Poe tolerated me for thinking that I was useful for the cause, I knew that neither they nor the rest of the Resistance would ever accept me if they knew my true origin.

Even I couldn't accept that I was descended from Palpatine, even though I had been face to face with him and felt my connection with him. I couldn't bear the additional pain that seeing the fear and betrayal on their faces would cause me. I could not bear to be treated coldly and suspiciously by the people for whom I had given my all to protect just for being his granddaughter. Like Ben, I would be marked by my family's legacy and judged and condemned for everything Palpatine had done no matter who I really was.

And now, even after all this time, seeing how Ben's sacrifice was despised by them, still filled me with anger and sadness and I was even more confident that I had made the right decision. No one there would ever accept me if they knew the truth about my family. It was better to let them always remember me as the orphan of Jakku who had become a Jedi than as the granddaughter of the most evil being who had ever inhabited the galaxy and who shared her soul with the Supreme Leader of the First Order.

I looked at them both, and for a few seconds, I thought about telling them how Ben had been manipulated his whole life by Palpatine. I wanted to say that they were talking about the man I loved and who loved me to the point of sacrificing his life so that I could live again, so that I could live another day to fight for their precious Resistance, but Rose was quicker than me.

“ _Ben Solo_ didn't just fight alongside Rey. He brought her back to life. Or did you forget that part?” she said in an angry and scolding tone “If he hadn't been there beside her, Palpatine would have destroyed our entire fleet and would be in charge of the galaxy once again. If it weren't for _Ben Solo_ , Rey wouldn't be with us now. Our friend would not be here to see the end of this war that cost so much not only for the galaxy and for us, but for her as well.” she looked at me and smiled "For me, _Ben Solo_ is and _always will be_ a hero and I'm sure if Leia was here with us she would be very proud of what her son did for Rey."

I gave her a grateful smile and she glared at the other two who at least had the decency to apologize before continuing to talk about how the new galaxy government was gradually being formed and that they would love for me to get involved in the conversations and planning and give my opinion on the subject.

When the two of them finally finished giving me all the news they thought I should know and I was able to leave the room, the afternoon was coming to an end and the base was crazy with the preparations for the celebration. I followed Rose into her tent, where we could talk in private and I wouldn't have to pretend to be the Jedi of the Resistance. I told her about what I had done in the past few months and she summarized what had happened in the Resistance and the people they had lost while I was gone.

She also told me that Chewie had appeared about three days after my departure and he had warned that he would return to his home world and I was happy that he decided to return to his family. The loss of his old friends, as well as the death of Ben, had left him devastated and, hearing others say that Ben's sacrifice had been a small price compared to the crimes he had committed, the wookie had left the command room where I was giving my report with his hands in fist and I could feel his pain and fury as if it were mine. Despite everything that had happened, Chewie had never stopped loving Ben and wanted to bring him home as much as I and his family did. When I looked for him to talk about what happened to Ben, he was nowhere in the base and I couldn't even say goodbye when I left.

Hours later, while everyone was laughing and drinking and celebrating, I forced myself to eat and drink something. Food and drink had long ceased to be a pleasure for me and became just one more thing that I had to force myself to do from time to time to keep my body functioning.

I looked at the people around me and thought about how happy I _should_ feel to be here with them. Or at least feel part of them. Finn and Rose were my friends, people I trusted and there were many others, like Kydel, who I knew cared for me and my well-being and who considered me as part of the family, but... but I didn't feel that I fit there.

I never really fit in, not even when Leia was alive. If I hadn't found BB-8 and Finn in Jakku, I wouldn't have left. And if I hadn't been a force user, I wouldn't have stayed with the Resistance. It was my desire to learn to control the power that had awakened in me that had brought me to Luke and it was my desire to belong to something that had made me stay with the Resistance. But it was my bond with Ben that made me feel at home, that made me feel like I had a place, and without him, I felt lost again, alone and incomplete.

As soon as my friends were distracted, I sneaked back to the Falcon. There was the only place where I felt closer to Ben and where I didn't have to pretend to be okay. However, I would have to wait a little longer to be alone, as Artoo was waiting for me beside the Dejarik table.

_'Hello.'_ He beeped nervously when he saw me.

“Hi, Artoo. Did something happen?"

_'I have a gift for you.'_ He beeped back.

"A gift?" I asked and he confirmed it, asked me to sit down and I did it, curious. A few seconds later, Artoo began to project images in front of us. It took me a few seconds to recognize the people on the hologram. Younger versions of Leia, Han and Luke were smiling at a small package with dark hair in Han's arms.

_Ben_.

I felt a lump in my throat and tears started to wet my cheeks when I remembered that, even there in his father's arms and surrounded by his family, Palpatine was already in his mind. I wiped them quickly so as not to miss a second of what the droid was showing me. Through Artoo's lens I could watch Ben grow up and see how skillful, focused and lonely he was during his years of training at his uncle's temple.

_'These are all the files I have of him.'_ Artoo beeped when he turned off his holoprojector and turned to face me _'Not many, but I hope it helps you feel closer to him.'_

I wiped away my tears and stared at him for a few seconds "Artoo, how do you know about me and Ben?"

‘ _I heard you talking to Rose and I wanted to show you this before. But you left before I finished compiling all the files and I had to wait for you to come back.’_

I took a deep breath and for the first time since Ben's death, I was able to give a genuine smile “Thank you, Artoo. You have no idea how precious what you just showed me is to me.” I wiped my cheeks for the umpteenth time "Can you make a copy of these files for me?"

In response, Artoo opened one of his plates, extended one of his mechanical arms and handed me a small storage device _‘I thought you would like a copy and I anticipated your request.’_

I took the device and held it close to my heart, thankful that I had that little piece of Ben's life to keep me company.

_'I know what it's like to be left behind when someone you care about a lot leaves for a place that you can't follow.'_ He beeped in a sad tone _'First it was Anakin and Padmé, then Luke and Leia. And now little Ben, who didn’t even have a chance to have his own family.’_ he explained and only then did I realize that he had met all the members of the Skywalker family and followed their story to its tragic end. I was not the only one who suffered because of their death.

Although I knew that the droid's _‘feelings’_ were actually part of his programing and that it hardly resembled what we organic felt, were no less true and I couldn’t help feeling sad for him. Like me, Artoo was left behind.

Without thinking, I hugged Artoo and placed a kiss on his dome "I'm sorry, Artoo."

Threepio's voice interrupted our moment.

"Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, Miss Rey," said the golden droid after staring at us for a few seconds, perhaps trying to understand what he had just witnessed "but I need Artoo's help in the command room."

_'I am busy. Can't you solve it yourself?’_ beeped Artoo in an irritated tone.

"No, Artoo, I can't solve it myself." countered Threepio "If I had the necessary skills to accomplish the task, I wouldn't be looking for you, would I?"

_'Fine. I'm on my way.'_ Artoo beeped grudgingly. Threepio seemed satisfied and, before leaving, he said goodbye to me and said he would wait for his companion outside.

"Once again, thanks for the gift, Artoo."

_'It was good to see you smiling again.'_ he beeped in a soft tone and went off mumbling something about Threepio and his annoying habit of spoiling moments and that he should have erased the backup from his memory and left him with no memory forever.

Finally alone, I closed the Falcon ramp and went to the captain quarters that I had taken as my own. After what Artoo had shown me, I was wishing even more that I could have Ben's arms around me, so I took his sweater and put it over my clothes.

Watching those images had brought me temporary relief and now all I could think about was how Ben would never have the chance to know what it's like to live in peace, without alien voices plaguing his thoughts. Ben would never know what it was like to have his own family. Ben would never hold his own child in his arms or hear their first laugh or teach them how to walk or fly a ship. Ben would never have a family, just like me. That possibility had been taken away from us.

Ignoring everything around me, I lay down and wrapped my arms around my body wishing it were Ben's and allowed myself to wander through the memories of the past, my few memories of him, feeling only the waves of pain slowly increasing as they lacerate further my broken heart and swallowed my body and dragged me slowly into unconsciousness.

In unconsciousness there was no _pain_.

In unconsciousness there was no _sadness_.

In unconsciousness there was no _mourning_.

In unconsciousness there was just _me_ and _him_.

Rey and Ben.

_Together_.

_Forever_.

After what felt like minutes, I woke up with a delicious and familiar sensation of completeness flooding my consciousness and my body and it took me a few seconds to realize what it was. The emptiness that Ben's death left in me and that consumed me little by little every day was full of a familiar and welcome presence.

In desperation, I turned on the bed and came face to face with him.

_Ben_.

Ben Solo was standing on the side of the bed, exactly as I had last seen him, but without his injuries and wearing a light gray tunic and white pants instead of his usual black clothes, and watching me closely with his sweet brown eyes, a slight bluish light surrounding his enormous body.

He had _finally_ found a way to get back to me.

" _Ben!_ " I said in a whisper, fearing that he would disappear if I spoke out loud or moved. "Am I dreaming?"

He smiled and my heart sped up “No, sweetheart, you are not dreaming. I am here. I came back for you.”

I felt my face flush when I heard him call me that way and, in wonder, I stared at him until I remembered everything and a scorching rage filled my body.

" _You left me behind._ " I groaned still in a low, but accusatory and full of anger tone “ _You abandoned me!_ As my family did. "

His face contorted in pain when he heard my accusation “I didn't want to leave you, but I couldn't let you die. You deserved to live a long and happy life before you joined me in the Force.”

His response made me feel even more angry. “ _Long and happy life?_ I died the moment you disappeared before my eyes, you idiot!” I replied in an even harder and harsher tone “How could you think that I could have a long and happy life without you? We were... _we are_ a dyad! _Two that are one_ , remember? How could you imagine that I could be happy without my other half? Without you, I'm incomplete, Ben! Without you by my side every day is a torment.”

His eyes were full of pain and guilt "I just wanted to make sure the Resistance and the galaxy would have you..."

"I don't care what the galaxy or the Resistance needs and you had no right to choose for me!" I interrupted him, tears wetting my cheeks “Will you ever be able to understand that the only thing I wanted was you? _Only you._ _Always_ _you_ _._ "

"I never thought I was worthy." he said and looked away from my eyes "And I'm a monster, remember?"

“No, you are not a monster and you were, are and will always be worthy! _You_ are everything I wanted and everything I want, Ben. And now I have nothing. _Nothing!_ ” I said and wiped away the tears angrily “Nothing but a void that consumes me and a loneliness that is driving me crazy."

"I'm sorry, Rey." he said in a tone full of sadness “But I did what I thought was right and I don't regret putting your survival above mine. You deserved to live, Rey. I didn't.”

I shook my head over and over “Yes, you deserved to live! And it would be fair for you and me to be together, Ben! _Together!_ After all we've been through, we deserved to spend the rest of our lives together! We deserved to live the future that the Force showed me when we first touched through our bond! We deserved a happy ending and not having to hold each other's corpses!”

My heart ached and I closed my eyes in an attempt to contain the new wave of tears as I remembered the moment when he lost consciousness and his body collapsed and disappeared, my hand trying desperately to hold his.

“I know how much you are suffering. It was never my intention to make you suffer and I am so sorry for all that, Rey.” he said softly and I looked up at him, my anger disappearing little by little “When I went to Exegol and felt that you were about to surrender to the dark side, all I could think about was keeping you safe. I didn't think the Jedi would use you and leave you to die. I didn't think about me. I didn't think about the consequences. I didn't think I could die in the fight. I just thought of you. _Just you_."

"When I felt your presence, I felt invincible." I said in a softer tone “Seeing you there in front of me gave me hope that we would win and that everything would work out in the end, even if the chances were not in our favor. But that's not what happened." memories of the battle filled my mind and I felt foolish for trusting the ancient Jedi to help me. “I don't want to continue living with the void. I don't want to stay here without you.”

"I also don't want us to be apart any longer."

"I don't know if I can make it through the rest of my life without you." I looked at him and said in a decided tone "Ben, I want to be where you are."

"I know." he said and his eyes filled with pain “I could see every second of your life after Exegol, I could see you clinging to the hope that I was not dead. I wanted so much to be able to help you move on, Rey, but I couldn't reach you.”

"But now you're here."

"I am."

"When are we going to be able to be together again, Ben?"

"Whenever you want, sweetheart."

"Promise?" I pleaded in a hopeful tone.

"I promise." he said with a smile.

"Can it be now?" I begged, my eyes filling with tears and my heart preparing to hear him say no, that it was not yet time for us to be together, that I had a whole life ahead of me and that the galaxy still needed me.

"Are you sure you want to leave everything and everyone behind to be with me?"

If I was sure of anything in my life, it was that I didn't want to spend any more minute away from him.

“I'm absolutely sure.”

He looked at me for a few seconds, as if searching for a trace of doubt in my eyes, before nodding and extending his hand to me, and I didn’t hesitate to hold it. When our hands touched, my heart seemed to stop and then the Force flowed through my body towards Ben's and we became one again. I felt free from all the pain, fear and loneliness that had consumed me since his death. I felt alive in a way that I hadn't felt since our first kiss.

With a tender smile, Ben helped me out of bed and I hugged him tightly. His touch made me realize how hungry I was for touch. Not hungry for any touch, but for _his_ touch. Only his.

His eyes met mine and my hand stroked his cheek and hair and I was delighted to find that they were still as soft as I remembered "I love you so much, Ben."

He gave me the same smile he gave me on Exegol, the smile that had lit up my world seconds before he was taken from me "I love you too, Rey." he stroked my cheek tenderly "I wanted to say it before, _long before_."

"Me too."

I found myself standing on tiptoe and Ben met me halfway. When our lips touched, it was as if my heart had learned to beat again and I could finally breathe without feeling pain. My home, my belonging was in his arms. My place was beside him just as his place was beside me.

While my arms wrapped around his neck, one of his hands landed on my back, holding me tightly against him and the other went up to stop at the base of my neck, his fingers pressing lightly on my head as our mouths moved in a slow, delicious rhythm.

I don't know how long our kiss lasted, but when our lips parted, I was so delighted to be able to touch him again that it took me a few seconds to realize that it shouldn't be _possible_. Perhaps the Force had decided to change the rules so that the two of us could be together until I…

Realizing the direction of my thoughts, Ben looked towards the bed and I understood what had happened when I followed his gaze and saw that only the clothes I had worn before were there.

"I died."

"You did." said Ben in an affectionate and tender tone, his hand guiding my face so that he could look me in the eye "Your body was malnourished and weakened and your heart wouldn't take much longer to stop beating." he explained, "The Force was keeping you alive until we talked and you could make a choice."

That was why I felt my heart stop when we touched, it was at that moment that I died and joined him in the Force.

I nodded slowly, "And what would have happened if I had chosen to stay?"

"The Force would have healed you and you would live."

"But I chose to be with you and that means there is no going back."

"That was the only way we could be together, Rey. I'm really sorry..." he started, but I interrupted him by placing my hand over his mouth.

"I'm not." I said with a smile, my eyes fixed on his "I am _exactly_ where I wanted to be."

I felt his smile and then his lips kissing my palm. He took my hand, placed another kiss on the palm of my hand and placed it on his cheek. "I missed you so much, Rey."

"Not as much as I missed you, Ben." I said with a mischievous smile and, before he tried to say anything, I sealed his mouth with mine.

I was no longer half a person and I would never feel alone again.

The dyad was finally whole and now nothing and no one could separate us.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far, I'm sorry if I made you cry or made you depressed or both. That was not my intention.
> 
> I left the cinema devastated and I still feel that way every time I see something related to Tros or Ben's death and I know that many still feel that way.
> 
> Thanks for reading and if you liked it, don't forget to leave Kudos or Comment or both.
> 
> You can find me on:  
> My [Twitter](https://twitter.com/filhadoboto)  
> My [Tumblr](https://filhadoboto.tumblr.com/)


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